How to be Evil

Note: This was a speech I gave to my toastmasters club today. It was fun and non-work related and everyone loved it so much that they wanted to see the words, so I thought I'd post them here. I hope you enjoy. :)

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Welcome and Thank you for your interest in joining the Forces of Darkness.

Whether you’re here out of pure curiosity or this has been a life long dream, I’m quite certain that the steps presented today will assist you in creating a successful and lucrative evil empire.

By definition, Evil is simply the propensity for mischief or thereby exhibiting bad moral qualities. However, evil is so much more than that.

For those still sitting on the fence, let’s review the many reason why evil may be the path for you.

By choosing the ways of Evil over good you will inherit an unbelievable amount of power and unlimited wealth which you will then be able to utilize in the destruction of your enemies or deliver misery to millions without any of that pesky residual guilt or remorse. Other optional benefits to look forward to are mind control, superpowers, control of the undead, or even immortality.

You’ll need several things to get started, so let’s begin with your name. Selecting a name is important since the mere mention of it should strike fear in the hearts of anyone within earshot. If you have any distinguishing characteristics, your name could be descriptive. For example, if your skin is made of sand, Sandman fits quite nicely. If you’re in a bit of a hurry and aren’t very picky, you could go with a sinister name, which is typically made up of a title, first name, and last name, such as Lord Blood Spawn. Of course, your name doesn’t have to be flashy and sometime the name you were give at birth is enough to make the masses tremble, such as Bill Gates or Walt Disney.

Next, you’ll need a motive. The most common of these is the desire for power, that ability to do anything and be held accountable for nothing, is what keeps this motive at the top of the list. Other very popular motives include Hate, Greed, Madness, and Revenge. Of course, some are simply born Evil and have never considered any other way. But for a very small percentage, the only thing that stands between a child and a life-long career of evil, is the love of a parent thereby diverting those young minds from the path of darkness. Damn them!

Now, since you never get a second chance to make a first impression, you’ll want to take extra care in how you present yourself to the public. Classic Black is always a good option, since it’s easy to match and it hides dirt very well. If you find black too Goth for you, you might decide to go the way of the business suit since in today’s society only the truly evil wear them. The Gadgety Supervillain costume is another option, but with spandex quickly going out of style carries it’s own risks. Since the advances in modern science, an increasingly popular option is the ability to transfer your intelligence into a computer or even another human being, giving you the ability to be anywhere at anytime. But the best option by far may be to never reveal your face at all. This option allows you to mingle among the masses, disguise yourself as one of them, and witness your evil deeds first-hand.

Finally, no evil-doer would be complete without an evil laugh. Whether it’s a Bwahahaha or a heh-heh-heh-heh you’ll want to be comfortable with it so use it often. Practice, practice, practice.

Once you’ve clearly defined your Evil identity, you may be wondering what sort of careers are available. The options of criminal mastermind and Corporate Bastard are very closely related. Both require hard work, climbing up the ladder by killing off your enemies and scores of henchmen. If your not really looking for a challenge in your evil career, you might find Necromancer or Avatar for a God or Demon more to your liking. Both of these career choices involve possession and command of the undead, which are great since they won’t put up much of a fight. This final evil career may be the very worst of them all since they are hated by the good and evil alike, but if you don’t mind being alone the career of Spammer or Telemarketer may just be your dream job.

Now that you’ve discovered what you were always meant to do, the only way to insure that you’ll get everything accomplished, is to hire henchmen. Mindless, drones to carry out all the dirty tasks you shouldn’t have to do as the brains of the operation. So what options do I have in henchmen? I’m so glad you asked. Classic Thugs are a tradition of evil-doers everywhere. They are muscle when needed, never question the task, and are very easy to come by. The corporate suits are great for that corporate take over, but be weary of these minions, they may be after your job, so dispose of them when no longer needed. Mutant Race, the undead, and Supernatural Creatures are great for those who enjoy dabbling in those things that go against nature. However, the behavior of these minions can be unpredictable, so proceed with caution. And finally, not available until just recently, The Computer programmer. This new type of henchmen can help you navigate and control the information superhighway and he who control information controls the world, or so I’ve heard.

I know that the information I have given you today will only get you started on the path to evil greatness. To further your evil career you may will want to visit the following website to define your evil goals and objectives and set your ultimate plan in motion. Thank you for your time and good luck in your evil endeavors.

Complete your evil plan - http://www.darksites.com/evilplan.php